Warning: This is a very long entry, but worth the read.
Hi guys. Happy Thursday. I genuinely did not wish to talk about anything sad or negative today...especially because it is the beginning of a new month, but this has been heavy on my heart and I just wanted to write this out for myself. Also who knows, maybe some of you can relate as well. Here's goes my heart on my sleeve.
This past weekend, Rob(Z's mom) and I went to visit their Nana. Remember this card that I made for her birthday? Yes, she's that special lady. :) Anyway, I have visited Nana several times before. A handful of them were times without Z because he would be working, but the point is...this past Sunday's visit did not warn me of the tear jerking & heart wrenching moment that I would face.
I love going to visit Z's Grandmother and Nana because they remind me of my Grandma and Grandpa. I rarely get to see them because I don't live close enough and when I do go visit, there is always an event going on causing little, little time in between for sit down chats and catch ups. Though this makes me extremely sad, I do always make sure to see them when I first get there and when I leave. I love our Hello's and though our Goodbye's are bittersweet, I still enjoy having an excuse to give my Grandma a big hug. I'll admit that they make me feel 6 years old again. Ha.
Z's Nana lives quite peacefully with her friends and companions. The people there are always smiling, kind, and the greetings are genuine. Rob and I sat down on Nana's bed, while Nana was rocking to and fro in her lounge chair. She was telling us about her day and asked us how we were, what we were up to, and of course...how Zac was. As we sat there and enjoyed some of our lunch, laughing about the little things, and carrying on about how terrible the weather is...this man, by the name of Don _______ courageously rolled up to Nana's door.
Mr. Don startled us a bit by loudly stating in a long and concerning tone, "Who are you?". He asked this question as if possibly he had known us, but again said it sternly to demand our attention. He was dressed very well, wearing a plaid button up shirt with the color tones of Christmas. His shoes were rather new. They were a soft brown leather and one of his shoelaces were untied. His eyes carried deep thoughts and he was holding three or four books between his fragile hands. The book on top was a bible with a thin red cover and gold etched pages. The whole moment of Mr. Don waiting on our reply, his left brow was raised waiting for an answer while his eyes were fiercely focused on our faces as if he were attempting to recognize us.
Thankfully, Nana broke the silence by answering his lost question. Besides, he was rolling into her room...unannounced. Of course Nana was extremely kind to him, greeting him with a smile. Rob chimed in being equally welcoming as well. I was too busy studying Mr. Don, wondering which room he stayed in and why I had never seen him before. After Nana gently told him who we were and where we were from, Mr. Don then began his story.
Mr. Don began by confidently stating that he was helping his wife. After a mere blink, he then looked down and said that she had passed. He then carefully opened to the front of his bible and pulled out her picture. His hands were working against him and would not stop shaking. Watching him attempt to pull out his wife's picture was like watching a baby hold their head up for the first time. Rob, Nana, and I all agreed almost in unison that she was a beautiful lady. She really was and had a gorgeous smile.
We allowed for him to have his moment of carefully admiring her beauty as well. During his introduction, he mentioned that he and his wife were married for 68 years. His said that his purpose there was to make sure that everything was going to be set. He wasn't specific for who or why, leading us to assume that he was getting everything ready for himself. He soon mentioned how he and his wife did not have any children. After this statement, which seemed like the heaviest statement he had said that day. He looked down....made a long and heavy sigh, then opened his book to put the adored picture of his wife back in the bible.
We sat there in silence again, this time it became awkward for me. While I was feeling awkward, I then felt incredibly rude to feel that way. Mr. Don then looked up again with his light blue and green eyes, staring straight across the room. He started his introduction again the same way. Each time he repeated something that he had already said before, he looked down scrunching his brows, breathing in deeply and rubbing his thumb against his bible. Though he was in a room with three other people, he seemed so alone in the world. And, he was alone. During those moments, all that I could think about was how I wanted to get up from Nana's bed and give him a big hug. Nothing else was on my mind. He was only 3 feet away from me, but yet he seemed as far away as a sunset that we admire in the sky.
After Mr. Don repeated himself nearly three or four times, each time included more silence in between, deeper sighs, and heavier scrunched brows. Suddenly, it seemed as if he realized that he needed to be somewhere. Mr. Don then told us goodbye and wheeled out of Nana's room.
When Mr. Don left, the first thing I did was look up at the ceiling because tears were filling up too furiously in my eyes. Rob looked at me and said something incredibly sweet, but I couldn't hear her because I was too invested in thinking about Mr. Don. I was thinking about how truthful this particular moment was. How we all will be eventually alone in the world. How we will be left with only pictures to love, memories to adore, and our stories to tell. I then looked down and tears just streamed down my cheeks. Rob immediately cried with me because she knew exactly how I felt. We then both cried together, without saying more than a few words.
That day when Mr. Don introduced himself into my life, it was a thankful reminder of how blessed I am. I just want to go ahead and express my gratitude and love for all of my family and friends. Please do know that I think of you and love you. Even if I don't see you everyday, get to speak to you, or even see you at all...my heart is with you always. I want everyone to know that life is so precious. It is real and it is NOW. Never take anything for granted and know that there is a purpose. You are a purpose.
I wish I was able to stop Mr. Don from leaving that day and have the chance to speak with him. I know that he was just wanting someone to talk to. We all do. I really hope that when visiting Nana again, I may run into Mr. Don and strike up a conversation. It doesn't matter if he talks about his wife or repeats the same things over a million times. Please don't feel that I am using this experience of Mr. Don as an example of what I don't want to be or who I don't want to become. I know that he is precious, as well as I am.
The purpose of this long entry was to capture this priceless memory and the feelings that I had that day. I will never forget Mr. Don or regret having another day to enjoy this wonderful thing called life. I understand that life gets really hard sometimes to the point when you want to just hide in a dark hole until it passes by, like the numerous posts that I've had dealing with stress. I know that we all can feel alone in the world, whether it be true or not, but in the end all of those moments good or bad are a part of what we appreciate most. Or at least what I appreciate most.
I will end this by saying how much I love and appreciate life, you, and myself. Have a beautiful day.